*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
