*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The first matador
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
