After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I’ve disappointed better people.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.