After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ