After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.