After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
There’s never enough good news
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
At least he brought enough for everyone
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.