After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Only a mother’s love …
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send