After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
If you know, you know 😂🚔
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.