After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You Might Also Like
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.