After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Tuesday
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.