After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
the rocks need my help
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.