Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

I don’t believe him.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Still cracks me up

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.