Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

🤣🤣

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.