After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
You Might Also Like
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
mechanics be like
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Bit chilly again tonight.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
What number SPF blocks people?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.