After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
How about daylight saves us for once
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!