Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I’m giving up for Lent.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”