Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”