Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

I think they could have phrased this better

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

inside you are two wolves

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.