After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know