Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time