Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

shit just got real

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!