Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.