Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

fourth time’s the charm

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers