Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

May have had one breakfast too many

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful