Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Well, this explains it:

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Blew my mind.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.