Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

ㅤ

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm