Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.