Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

when you order from DoorDastardly

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.