Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.