After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Important
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”