After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Rude much 😂😂😂
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it