[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.