[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m going to need a moment here.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.