Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

You learn something every day

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

You better watch out

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK