Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.