Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese