After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
