After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
