After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
