After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.