Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already