After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”