After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
honey, bring out the fine china.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
dam girl
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My Sentiments Exactly
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME