Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?