Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.