After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations