After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
🎵 I can’t wait to
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day