Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

*orders delivery*

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Bear knowledge

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Seems kinda suspicious

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.