After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
It’s his time
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!