After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
How about daylight saves us for once
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”