After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The United Steaks of America
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Seas the day!!!!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
This is hilarious
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert