After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us