After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
You Might Also Like
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.