After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
same but as an audience member
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.