Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag