[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
