Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

the worm is coming from inside the brain