[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?