@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

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@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@donni

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

@AmericanGent69

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

@TrueTorontoGirl

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.