[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Hank is one in a melon.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH