After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Cool shirt 🙂
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Was it something I said?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you