Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

you have three unread messages

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”