Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets