Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

uh oh

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.