After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I never needed anything more in my life
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.