After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
You Might Also Like
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆