After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
