After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Pot warmers of the day.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all