After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
problems i need
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”