After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw