Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.