Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.