[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us