[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You Might Also Like
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….