[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake