[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You’ll be OK
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
*limbos under the caution tape
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Yes my dude
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.