Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere