Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Webb. James Webb.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

The options really are this bad

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.