After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse