After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My dog learned how to text
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours