Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Good morning

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.