Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*